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Armando Iannucci: Want to be mildly rich? Read on | Comment is free | The Observer

‘The Willpower Pathway to How to Get Absolutely Something of What You Want’

Adopts a new psychological approach to material goal-setting, using a methodology known as ‘transformative goal adjustments’ whereby the individual is taught by means of a number of sophisticated breathing exercises and bladder control techniques to convince him or herself that their material ambitions are set slightly too high. They are then given 10 days in which to experience for themselves how they have no money anyway and therefore that it’s just as well they downgraded their ambitions.

Noel Edmonds says: ‘This method is great. I always wanted to own 50 helicopters by the time I was 63, but, by using the Transformative Goal Adjustments breathing apparatus and prostate clamps I have retrained my material self to demand from me only three or maybe four helicopters at a push. Since I already own these due to my quiz show success, I have instantly achieved all my goals.’